Photo Credit: Chill Mimi
Having children is a life changing event.
As your child grows, you start to get the hang of this whole raising-little-people business, and begin to feel confident in your ability as a parent. That is, until the teenage years.
While teenagers are given a bad wrap, most young people aren’t as terrifying as they are made out to be. Teenagers are often thoughtful, energetic and have a strong interest in what is right. As they progress through high school, your child will begin to assert their own identity, and experiment with their self-image to find where they feel comfortable. Most of the time you will be fascinated by the person your teenager is becoming. Nonetheless, their exploration of identity will inevitably cause the occasional clash. Just ask Julie.
Here is our guide for parenting teenagers.
Be a parent – not a peer
As kids grow up, they begin to forge their own identity. This usually means rebelling and separating their image from that of their parents. While you know this in your heart of hearts, you can still experience a pang of remorse if your teenager rolls their eyes at something you say, or dismisses you in front of their friends. What happened to the tiny person that used to depend on you for their every desire and came rushing to meet you at the end of the day?!
Given the hurt that these actions can cause, it is tempting try to become one of those “cool” parents to get your teenager back on side. However, attempting to win your teen over by letting them break curfew or get away with bad behaviour at school won’t do either of you any favours. Rather than inconsistency, teenagers require steady boundaries and routines to instill normality into their lives. Your teen has enough friends – a parent is what they really need.
Respect your teen’s privacy
As your child grows, you will know less and less about their life. A shift into the teenage years usually means that they will get their own phone, set up social media accounts and have headphones on whenever they aren’t at school. Concurrently, your teen is likely to be less forthcoming with information, and answer questions about their day with a grunt or a shrug of the shoulders. This isolation from your teen’s life can come as a shock, and leads many parents to worry about what their teenager does all the time! As tempting as it is to take the door off the bedroom parenting teenagers means appreciating their need for space and privacy.
Try not to accuse
Avoid using accusatory phrasing when parenting teenagers. Questions like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Why are you 15 minutes late home?” can touch a nerve and easily spark rebellion. Instead, phrase any criticism in open, more neutral terms: “I noticed that you were home a little late last night”. This will make it easier for your teen to explain their side of the story without feeling like they are being ambushed, and also allow you to communicate your disapproval with minimal conflict. By all means, be assertive when parenting teenagers – just don’t go on the attack too swiftly.
Notice changes in your teen’s behaviour
Many teenagers believe that being independent means dealing with all of their problems themselves. This may lead even the most open of teens to shut down the lines of communication. It is important when parenting teenagers to be aware of more subtle changes in your teen’s behaviour in order to pick up on any signs of underlying emotional issues that may need attention.
Are they avoiding a particular friends group? Have they withdrawn from activities they used to enjoy? Are they eating less than usual?
If you are worried that something is up in your teenager’s life, ask them straight out, but only ask once. Nagging your teenager will make them feel like you don’t understand. By opening a dialogue and not pressuring your teen into action, you will allow your child a chance to mull it over, and come to you when they are ready.
Keep your lips sealed
If your teenager shares a piece of personal information with you, don’t betray their confidence by speaking about it to their siblings or friends. A slip of the tongue from anyone can be enough to undo the trust between you, and could lead your teen to bottle up their feelings and problems down the track.
Looks like you will have to keep your daughter’s obsession with that nerdy-but-adorable chess master from school to yourself!
Until her 21st, that is…
The Clarity Road Team
Looking for more information on parenting teenagers? Head over to the Raising Child Network or Relationships Australia. Each of these sites are national resources for parents and families.
