Children, Innocence

Talking to Children About Life Changing Events

Photo Credit: Fatlum Haliti

Talking to children about life changing events to kids is a whole new ball game.

For starters, there is the comprehension barrier to get through – not to mention your own hesitancy to burst your child’s vision of the world as all rainbows and butterflies and chocolate!

Breaking bad news to kids is a challenge that Julie has personally faced while travelling her own road to clarity. After many tough conversations with her kids, Julie wants to share her tips for talking to children about life changing events.

Pen and paper ready? Let’s do this!

Don’t try to shield children from the truth

It is every adult’s instinct to protect the innocence of children. We want to shelter our kids from the world and to keep their faith in good as long as possible. This can lead us to sugar-coat the truth of a life changing event.

While well-intentioned, this sheltering can do more harm than good. Kids are curious, and sooner or later will find out what really happened through a slip of the tongue from a teacher, a friend or an older sibling. This revelation can easily create distrust on your child’s behalf because you didn’t tell them the truth originally.

Instead of withholding information from your kids, it is best to be honest about whatever took place. This way, you will be able to ensure that all of the details they receive are correct, and open up a line of discourse where your child will more readily approach you with further questions in the future.

Avoid using metaphors

Depending on their age and maturity levels, children will have varying abilities to comprehend what has happened. For example, young children are often unable to understand the permanency of death and will expect the person who has passed to walk through the door again one day – they have just gone away for now, right?

To combat this, many adults are guilty of using metaphors to when talking to children. However, saying that a parent “has gone on a long holiday” to explain separation or that a loved one “has gone to sleep” to describe death can confuse kids.

Instead, it is better to speak in simple terms. This will avoid giving your child false hope or mixed messages. Armed with the right information, kids will piece together the puzzle and understand everything that they can in their own time.

Reassure kids

When something bad happens, kids often find a way to blame themselves. They may see the separation of their parents as a result of their own behavior, or the death of a loved one as the consequence of an insult they said to them the week prior during a fight.

Kids also tend to catastrophise things, and worry that a single event will pave the way for a whole lot more to come. Without sufficient reassurance, a child can easily see a life changing event as the end of the world.

As such, it is crucially important that you remind your child of your love for them, tell them that everything will be alright and assure them that they aren’t to blame.

Model coping behaviour

Just as your daughter loves to dress up in dad’s work gear and your son loves mimic your dance moves, your children will also mirror your behavior in coping with life changing events.

If they see you pretending to be happy all the time, they will also plaster on a smile and suppress their feelings. Similarly, if they see you falling into a heap, kids are likely to fall down right beside you.

Be mindful of this when dealing with a life changing event by displaying emotion around your kids in a calm, productive way. If you need to cry, then cry – but be sure not to completely lose your cool until you are in private. By being open about the way you are feeling you will make it easier for your kids to express their own feelings and understand how the grieving process works.

Speak more than once

As bad news sinks in and your child begins to cope with grief, they are likely to experience more feelings and to have new questions that didn’t jump to mind initially. Make sure that you keep the lines of communication open between you and your child by regularly asking them how they are feeling and giving them every opportunity to clarify anything that’s bugging them.

Kids can be hesitant to initiate a conversation about a life changing event, but once prompted will often talk for hours.

The Clarity Road Team

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