Photo credit: Geoff Mock
Co-parenting is a constant balance act.
Not only do you need to navigate your new relationship with your ex, but also maintain your relationship with your kids across distance.
Below are some common co-parenting questions and challenges after divorce.
How do I stay involved in my child’s life after divorce when they are away from home?
Co-parenting means that you are no longer able to see your kids every day.
Given this, it can be difficult to stay up to date with everything going on in your children’s. In order to stay in touch, you may have to think outside of the box and interact with your child’s school, musical or sporting groups.
Here are some ideas for staying in contact while co-parenting:
- Ensure that your child’s school has your current contact details, including you address and phone number.
- If you child’s school newsletter is distributed on a day when you don’t have them, request that the school mail you an extra copy so you can keep up on school events
- If your child it in primary school, contact their teacher about arranging to help out with reading, supervising or doing arts and crafts with the kids. You could also volunteer at the school tuckshop or uniform shop or help out with fundraising events to benefit their sports team – doing so will ensure that your child knows you still care about them.
- Help out your child with any activities or commitment they may be struggling with by emailing them relevant information. If your child has a school project, send them some useful information you found. If your child is having trouble perfecting their basketball shot, link them to a Youtube video tutorial. Anything you can do to stay in touch is worthwhile!
How do I make my new house feel like a home?
Divorce meant that you had to move out. Just as you have had to adjusting, your children may also struggle to adapt to your new surroundings.
Co-parenting doesn’t mean that your kids need to feel uncomforable. Here’s how to make your new place feel like home.
- Make your house kid-friendly. Find some toys, books, movies or outdoor playing equipment like a bike or soccer ball. This way, your children are less likely to become bored.
- Allow your children to decorate their own bedroom so it feels like their space. If your children don’t have their own rooms, designate them their own space somewhere in the house. This may be a drawer, a desk or a music corner – whatever suits your children.
- Keep family photos with special meaning on display. Make sure you keep photos of your kids visible as well – this will remind them that they are always on your mind.
- Have the basics in your house like toothbrushes, shoes, medicine and a first aid kit and some kid-friendly food – that way you will be prepared for anything!
My children don’t want to stay at my house.
If your child says that they don’t want to stay at your house, it hurts.
Rather than co-parenting, you can feel like you are being kicked to the curb.
But remember – if you don’t make a big deal out of it, neither will your kids.
- Don’t jump to conclusions. Your kids may have a genuine reason for staying at the other parent’s house. Perhaps they need access to faster internet for a school project, are too tired to make the trip or are scared by the wardrobe in the bedroom of your new house. As hard as it is, try not to take one instance of not staying over too personally.
- Don’t force your children into staying with you. Although you will want to see your children, forcing them to do something that they don’t want to will ultimately push them away.
- Make sure they know that they are always welcome. If your children don’t want to stay at your house right now, let them know that the door is always open. They will return when they are ready. In the meantime, staying involved in their lives by giving them a call or writing letters will keep you in their thoughts.
- Arrange quick visits. A brief hello and high five will allow your kids to become comfortable in your new house and ease them into the process of visiting more often.
My children no longer respect my authority while co-parenting.
The changes going on in your children’s lives are likely to make them angry. Often, children express frustration by taking it out on a parent. If your kids are acting out, try giving them a bit of space to work through their problems. This doesn’t mean giving your kids free reign – it is still vital to maintain steady boundaries while co-parenting. Instead, respect their right to process things on their own.
How do I win over my kids?
After divorce, it is not uncommon for parents to attempt to win over their kids.
This may take the form of gifts, trips, treats or preferential treatment. While it is tempting to spoil your kids, this behaviour will not help you or the children in the long run, since is establishes false expectations.
Maintain routine, boundaries and responsibility while co-parenting. This structure will keep normality in their lives and make your house feel like home.
