Photo Credit: Armin Vogel
Coping with grief is a process of patience.
After a life changing event, you are likely to experience an emotional rollercoaster that can range anywhere between frustration, despair, hope and relief.
Among these infinitesimal emotions, it is commonly reported that there are five stages of grief that many people experience: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These stages are by no means an exhaustive representation of the ways in which people grieve. Put simply, there is no “one size fits all” model for grief because there are no two people or experiences of loss that are the same.
Rather than prescribing a way in which you should grieve, this article is about outlining five common reactions to negative life changing events. You may identify with each of these feelings; you may identify with none. But be clear that no series of emotions is more or less valid than the next.
Denial
Denial entails the refusal to believe or accept the realities of the events that took place. Denial can best be understood as a defence mechanism, acting as a buffer to ease the immediate shock of a situation and allowing us time to process the pain.
Anger
As the reality of a life changing event begins to sink in, we are likely to feel intense pain and emotion. In order to distract from this pain, we may redirect our sadness as anger, which we take out on external forces or people. While we know in our rational head space that these people or forces are not to blame, venting frustration allows us to avoid feeling pain ourselves.
Bargaining
When coping with grief, we can feel vulnerable and powerless to alter our situation. We are determined to regain control. This may lead us to questions of “What if I had done this?”, or to bargain that “Doing this will make up for that”. We may even make a deal with a higher power, saying that “If you fix this, I will be a better person”. This bargaining process aims at reasserting control over your life, in which you may otherwise feel powerless.
Depression
Depression may manifest in the form of self-hatred, self-blame, feelings of failure, exhaustion or severe melancholy. While depression is the most painful part of grieving, it is important to feel the emotions as they rush over us – refusing to do so will only prolong the pain.
Acceptance
This phase does not translate to absolute happiness – during acceptance, we still have moments of melancholy and sadness. Instead, the acceptance phase is marked by perspective and calm. You will be able to recognise the events of the past as those of the past, but more importantly focus on your future.
The effects of coping with grief
Grief often stirs up stress and anxiety, which can take a physical toll on your body. You may find that you have lost your appetite, are exhausted, feel restless, are unable to concentrate or are particularly irritable. These effects are perfectly natural, and will subside with time. Coping with greif is all about management.
After the grieving process
Although you may reach a point where you have moved on from your life changing event, you can still find yourself thrown back into moments of grief down the track. These flashbacks may be triggered by something as simple as a perfume scent or a song. Don’t be afraid of these feelings – although you have moved on from your life changing event, it is human nature to reflect and feel sadness.
Many people find that grief related to a life changing event is renewed by important dates like birthdays or anniversaries. To combat this, you may find it useful to plan an event on these days to acknowledge its significance. Visit the favourite restaurant of your lost loved one with family on their birthday, or plan a day at the park with your children on the anniversary of your divorce. While feelings of sadness on these days are often unavoidable, affirming the support network around you will remind you of all of the reasons to feel happy in your new life.
It’s not all bad…
While coping with grief is crippling, it is important to remember that the long term effects of grief are not all bad.
After undergoing a life changing event, you may become a more compassionate person, find a new life direction or feel better equipped to cope with any bumps along the road.
Although you may be struggling now, coping with grief isn’t permanent.
You will make it to your light at the end of the tunnel – and be a stronger person for it.