Photo credit: Dominik Fusina
Dealing with separation takes time, patience and lots of adjustment.
After a break-up in movies, the protagonist usually curls up in front of a re-run of Titanic with a tub of ice cream and a packet of Tim Tams on hand.
But real life doesn’t work like that.
There are kids that need tucking into bed. There is a job that you have to go back to tomorrow. There are adjustments that you have to make.
In today’s post, we will be stepping through adjustments involved in dealing with separation.
Home adjustments
The most immediate aspect of dealing with separation involves the physical separation of you and your ex-partner.
While creating some physical space between you and your ex may provide you with relief, it may also produce sorrow. The transformation of the space you called home can mirror the turmoil you feel internally, and make you think that everything you have worked for has disappeared.
Waking up in bed alone or preparing one cuppa instead of two can have a greater emotional impact than you anticipated. While difficult at first, the changes to your home and proximity to your ex will become easier with time.
Financial adjustments
Dealing with separation is further complicated by shared finances and assets – savings, a mortgage, a home or even a business. All of these financial attachments can be difficult to split in a way that keeps you both satisfied. While it is positive to negotiate your finances independently, it is advisable to involve a lawyer to ensure that you are each covered.
Parenting adjustments
Negotiating shared care arrangements can lead an amicable separation to become a nasty one. You will each want to see your children as much as possible. This desire is likely to produce some clashes in schedules, and make parenting together while apart a bumpier ride than envisioned. The key to adjusting to shared care is to remain willing to compromise, and to respect each other’s rights as a parent.
If you are struggling to reach an agreement with your ex, see Shared vs. Parallel Parenting for more tips on parenting while dealing with separation. The Raising Child Network and Relationships Australia also offer a broad range of resources about all aspects of parenting.
Identity adjustments
There are certain cornerstones of our lives that we tend to frame our self-image around. A erious relationship is one of them. While you shouldn’t need a partner to feel happy about yourself, separation can still destabilise your sense of who you are.
Little reminders of your life with your ex can pop up out of nowhere and cause you to question the position you are now in. Rather than a time of crisis, treat this reconsideration of yourself as an opening of your identity: a chance to explore and discover hidden aspects of yourself, and to become the best version of yourself you can be. The key to dealing with separation is to see opportunity rather than an ending!
Social adjustments
As a couple, you forged a group of mutual friends. This connection can become problematic after separation. While friends and family are equally supportive of you both initially, a division between your social circles can often arise. You may find yourself drifting apart from a friend you have known for years. As difficult as this can be, try not to over-analyse the situation or expend too much energy worrying about which side your friends may take. Those who truly love you will stand by you while dealing with separation.
At the very least, we will always have your back!
The Clarity Road Team