Love Heart, Love, Small Love Heart

Getting Back Together After Separation

Photo Credit: Lauren Holloway

We want to address a brighter aspect of separation in this blog post: getting back together with an ex.

Now if that doesn’t scream party time, we don’t know what does!

Okay, so we haven’t partied in a while. But it’s Friday. Which means it’s almost Friday night. Which is theoretically party time. At this stage, any excuse will do!

Deciding that it’s time to separate is a pain-staking task.

Getting back together with an ex can often be harder.

You are likely to experience an overflow of thoughts and hesitations:

Will your relationship endure the second time around? Will friends and family be accepting of your decision? How will your kids react?

Although no advice will totally silence these voices in your head, the below tips can help to make getting back together a success.

Learn from past mistakes

When getting back together, don’t simply go into the relationship with the attitude of “trying harder”. This usually means that you are trying harder not to get angry, or trying harder to evade conflict. While effective in the short term, these methods of avoidance can lead to a build-up of tension, and again cause a relationship meltdown in the long run.

Instead, it is important to think more specifically about what to change after getting back together to ensure that you are both truly committed to making it work. Consider the following:

  • What did you miss about the other person?
  • Which aspects of your relationship worked best?
  • What were your happiest memories of your time together?
  • How can you keep these elements of your relationship going?
  • Which parts of the relationship do you need to improve? How can you improve them?
  • What can your partner do to improve your relationship satisfaction?
  • Are there any aspects of your living arrangements that you should look at renegotiating? For example the division of housework, parenting responsibilities or time spent in the workforce?

It may help to physically record these considerations in a journal to which you and your partner can refer should you find yourselves falling back into old habits.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes

When getting back together, it is important to see things from your partner’s perspective – not just your own. This can be easier said than done, especially if you feel as though you have done nothing wrong in the relationship. But by understanding your partner’s position, you will open better lines of communication and give your relationship a greater chance of success.

Spice things up

Regardless of the issues that a couple may confront, most relationships benefit from a touch of excitement. Go rock climbing together, see a musical, or if you really want a thrill, head to a theme park for a rollercoaster ride!  Sharing a new experience after getting back together will lead you to feel a renewed sense unity and help to heal your bond.

The kids

Getting back together is always more complex when children are involved.

If your children were toddlers when your separation occurred, they may not remember a time when their parents lived together. If your children were more mature when you separated, they may harbour anxiety or emotional stress stemming from your initial break-up. Given this minefield of complications, it is important to tread carefully before getting back together.

Give your kids some leeway

Just as you have struggled with your decision to give your relationship another shot, your children too will undergo their own process of acceptance. They may become happy, excited and adventurous. They may become angry, confused and introspective. Whatever their reaction, make sure you give your kids space to explore their feelings toward the situation, and let them know that you are happy to answer any questions they have at any time. As much as your child may have wished for you and your ex to reunite, the reality of getting back together can also lead kids to worry that your relationship will break down again.

For more information on communicating with your children, see the Children section of the site.

The Raising Child Network and Relationships Australia also offer valuable resources to parents on all aspects of parenting.

Take it slow

Don’t move too quickly when getting back together with an ex. Ease yourselves – and your children – into the routine of being together as a family by dating for a while before considering moving back in together. Not only will this period allow you to strengthen as a couple, but also give your kids time to re-adjust to the change between their parents.

By taking your time, you will make getting back together as easy as possibly on your kids. This will ultimately give your relationship every chance of succeeding.

The Clarity Road Team

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