When you have been a full-time parent for years, adjusting to shared custody arrangements following separation can be a rough learning curve.
Put simply, you will miss your kids. A lot.
You will need to get used to an empty bedroom, a quiet house and to missing small but important parts of your children’s lives when they are in the other parent’s care.
Here are our tips for adapting to life when you miss your kids.
Keep your chin up
It is easy to get down in the dumps when you miss your kids. When your house is suddenly empty, you will have a lot more time available to sit, to think, and to reflect on the easy moments together that you once had. Especially after handover times, these points of reflection can cause your mood and overall mindset to plummet.
It is crucial that you invest your time and energy into hobbies or activities when your kids aren’t in your care. Join a sports team, a club or pursue something that has always appealed to you but you never quite found the time for. By finding fulfillment elsewhere you will maintain a positive headspace and stay your best self for your kids.
Make sure you don’t fill the time void with work or tasks that you don’t enjoy – as much as you may feel like punishing yourself for your situation, doing so will ultimately make you miserable and less pleasant to be around when your kids do see you.
Make your time together count
When you do get the opportunity to spend time with your children, really make the most of it. This doesn’t mean having a big activity planned every time you see each other – what it does mean is having the basics like dinner and work taken care of so that you can enjoy each other’s presence without rush or panic.
Sometimes you will take a trip to a theme park, and other days you might just help with homework and pick a movie to watch together. What you do ultimately comes second to the attention and love you show your kids in the moments you share.
Understand your kids
After separation and divorce, kids can become just as displaced as you. They can feel torn between you and your ex – as though they need to pick a side. When living between two houses they can also feel disorganised. They may have a favourite video game they want to play and become frustrated when they realise it is at the other parent’s house.
Occurrences like these may cause your kids to become grumpy, withdrawn, or to take their frustration out on you. And while it can hurt to hear certain phrases or to be ignored, try not to overreact to their behaviour. Boundaries are important, but so is understanding in certain situations.
Negotiate parenting with your ex
Ideally, you and your ex have been able to remain amicable following your separation and maintain contact with each other through conflict-free communication. But if this isn’t possible, it is important to reach an agreement regarding when and where you each see the kids, and to stick to it. In this time of flux and change, kids need routine – and so do you. Any uncertainty about when you may or may not see them next can wreak havoc on your emotional stability. Set some clearly defined boundaries and make sure they are adhered to.
Find support when you miss your kids
Despite your best efforts to stay busy and keep your mind occupied, it is undoubtable that your thoughts will wander back to your kids from time to time. Even little things like not waking up to the patters of their footsteps or missing out on playing tooth fairy can take an emotional toll. Given this, it is important for you to have a support network that you can turn to for reassurance when you need it.
This support could come from a trusted friend or family member, or could be from a qualified counsellor or support group (Relationships Australia offer a range of counselling and support services catering for parents in need). Whatever the case, ensure that you have somewhere to let go of your doubts and fears.
Parenting is a full-time job even if you aren’t with them 24/7. You will miss your kids while they are away. Love them and care for them in the time that you share.
