Today, we will be addressing the most basic separation question:

Is it time to separate?

In the absence of a distinct turning point in a relationship, it can be difficult to decide whether or not to part ways. Long term relationships rarely fizzle out overnight. Instead, the disintegration of a relationship happens over time. While every couple goes through their stronger and weaker points, feeling like you are stuck in a continual rut of unhappiness may be a good indication that separation is on the horizon.

Disclaimer: the below guide is not a “one size fits all” model. Everybody values different things in a relationship, and have different circumstances that can make separation a more or less complicated process. This discussion is designed as food for thought to set you on your path toward clarity.

What does a relationship in crisis look like?

Relationship problems can manifest in many ways. Do any of these sound familiar?

• You and your partner are constantly in conflict
• You feel that your partner can’t do anything right anymore.
• You avoid alone time with your partner
• You feel you have little in common with your partner, and nothing to talk about
• You don’t have the energy to address problems or aspects of your relationship that bother you.
• You’ve turned from lovers into roommates.
• Your partner isn’t the first person you call when you get good or bad news
• You prefer not to be in your partner’s company
• You frequently ruminate over old hurts and revive old arguments with your partner.

If a few too many of the above points range true for your liking, it may be worth speaking to your partner about separation.

Talk it out

If you are having problems with your relationship, it is best to communicate them to your partner – a task easier said than done if that problem is lack of communication! Keeping a source of dissatisfaction to yourself means that your partner is unlikely to change their behaviour. This can result in the build-up of resentment toward your spouse because they can’t see what is wrong themselves. Ultimately, silence creates a vicious cycle of frustration, and will cause greater complications in the long run. Communication is key to avoiding separation.

Seek counselling

When your relationship is in crisis, consider couple’s counselling. If tension exists between you, any attempt at communication may end in an argument. Having a third party mediate and guide your conversation can help you to speak to each other productively, and reach a point of clarity.

Relationships Australia offer national counselling services to couples on the road to separation.

Don’t use children as the reason to stay together

One of the biggest factors to consider before separation is the presence of children. The idea that a family together is better than a family apart can keep many parents together long after their love has faded. While staying together for your child’s wellbeing is feasible in some situations, be cautious not to involve your children in a toxic environment. Living in a house full of fighting and tension where they are asked to take sides between parents can be far more detrimental to a child’s wellbeing than shared or parallel parenting arrangements.

Separation isn’t necessarily forever

Although the breakdown of a long term relationship is often final, there are situations in which couples reunite after a period of separation and continue in a happier and healthier relationship. After living in each other’s pocket for years, some couples just need a bit of time apart to regain a sense of themselves and where they stand. Suggesting a temporary separation to your partner can be a sensitive topic, and it is important that you keep the lines of communication open and take into account their feelings. But under the right circumstances, a temporary separation may be what you need to reinvigorate your love for each other.

Provided you are not in immediate danger from physical or emotional violence, there is no rush to come to a decision. Take your time and talk things out with your partner.

You don’t want to stay in a relationship that is unsatisfying, but you also don’t want to force separation if there is something worth saving.

Good luck

The Clarity Road Team