Some separations run smoothly. Others are fraught with complications and animosity.
Circumstances can make trying to stay calm around your ex may feel like an impossibility.
Your ex may be ignoring your existence, may be making themselves out as the victim, or may have simply become a rude and insensitive person. Did someone say infuriating?!
See the below tips on how to stay calm around your ex.
To stay calm, don’t react
Tactics like name calling and rumour spreading are petty actions that your ex uses specifically to rattle you – to make you crack. They want you to yell and name-call back. They want you to look like the bad guy. And they want to demonstrate that they still have power over you.
As hard as these actions are to ignore, it is best not to react when your ex starts channeling their inner child. Block your ears, squeeze a stress ball, or pretend that everyone in the room is in their underwear. Whatever you need to do to stay calm, do it. People will ultimately see who the bigger person is.
If you feel as though your ex’s lies are genuinely damaging your reputation, step up and stand your ground. But do so in a calm, self-assured, respectful manner. Don’t stoop to their level; take the high road.
Leave friends and family out of it
Despite the temptation to call on a family member or mutual friend to back you up when your ex starts making false claims, it is important not to drag loved ones into the middle of your break-up. Hauling another person into your conflict will eate discomfort, and may impact a relationship that you truly value.
Similarly, try not to resent family or friends if they remain in contact with your ex after you have split. Sure, it can be difficult to swallow if someone you hold close is speaking with somebody who has caused you pain, but who they socialise with is ultimately their choice. As long as they are remaining a true friend to you and are not speaking ill of you to your ex, you have no reason to punish your friend. Just be grateful that you have such a forgiving, caring person in your life.
Don’t send messages
We all have moments when we feel like we are going to explode with frustration. You might just want to get it out; to send one quick email or text message in which you give your ex a piece of your mind.
You won’t get the kids. I will fight through this. I am sick of your lies.
As insignificant as these messages may appear in the grand scheme of things, comments like these could do some major damage down the track. They ultimately compromise your character, and may be misconstrued or used against you in a settlement or custody hearing.
Above all else, do not put any personal perceptions of your breakup in writing – and definitely don’t send them to your ex. Stay calm and put the phone down.
Pick a topic and stick to it
To make conversations with your ex productive and brief, break your contact down into small, manageable sections. Set out a single goal for a conversation, and to stick to it. Signpost your intentions by prefacing you conversation with a warning that the discussion will be about child support payments, and don’t allow yourself to be led astray. If your ex persists with an unrelated matter, repeat that you are not talking about that issue and keep pursuing your topic until they bring themselves back into line. It takes willpower to stay calm and ignore your ex’s attempts to get you off track. But it’s worth it.
Find a mediator
If you are unable to stay calm and steer the conversation back onto a productive course, walk away. If this happens repeatedly, seek mediation, and make sure that you only have contact in the presence of a witness like a lawyer or counsellor. While requiring a mediator’s presence to speak to your ex may seem ridiculous, sometimes it is the only way to ensure that your contact doesn’t disintegrate into name-calling and fights.
