Photo Credit: Keoni Cabral
It’s settled – you’re getting a divorce.
But breaking up with your partner doesn’t mean that you will completely sever ties.
You may see each other out of necessity. You may meet up occasionally at social events. Or you may hate the thought of losing your partner completely: you may want to remain friends.
After all, who knows you better than the person you have shared your life with?
Although staying friends after divorce can make life simpler, the friend zone can also be highly uncomfortable – and for some, impossible.
Here are our best tips for staying friends after divorce.
Make sure you are on the same page
The way in which your marriage ended will greatly influence your chance of staying friends after divorce. Unsurprisingly, couples who mutually agree to split are more likely to remain friends than those where divorce is one-sided.
Have an honest conversation with your ex about where you each stand, and be respectful of their right to keep their distance. Bothering a hurt ex with endless text messages will only push them further away.
If you are unwilling to totally cut ties, try to agree on a form of contact at an allotted time down the track. You might resolve to send a text in a month to check in, or exchange fortnightly emails. This takes the guess work out of the equation and means that neither of you will get a shock when you see a message appear in your inbox.
Even though a friendship may not be feasible right now, space and time may make it a possibility in the future.
Plan public meet ups
Moving from romantic partners to friends is a transition fraught with difficulty. You need to adapt to calling each other by different names, using different body language and avoiding subjects that you once talked about freely. To minimise the awkward factor in a meet up with your ex, don’t just have them around for a cuppa and see where the moment takes you. Choose a public place and plan an activity – think lunch, a guest speaker or a movie.
Surrounding yourself with strangers means that there is less chance of your contact dissolving into a fight or an emotional breakdown, and having something to focus your attention on will keep your conversation light. All in all, this will make interacting as simple as possible.
Don’t express false feelings
Even though you have gone your separate ways, there may well be something attracting you back to your ex from time to time. Remember – there was a reason you were married in the first place! This spark can pose a threat to the success of your friendship if you push the envelope too far.
When with your ex, avoid phrases like “I miss this” or “We are good together”. They can make an ex who has moved on feel uncomfortable, or may give false hope to an ex who is still in love with you.
Although dabbling in occasional flirting or imagining what might have been can be exciting in the moment, it will only create confusion in the long run. Keep your history cemented firmly in the past.
Remember that it doesn’t always work out
Sometimes you and your ex will do everything in your power to remain friends, but in the end it won’t work out.
You may snap at each other. You may be stuck on past hurts. You may simply have nothing to talk about anymore.
Don’t force a friendship where none exists. As sad as leaving a relationship behind can feel, it may also be your only way to move on.
For more tips on communicating with your ex, head over to Relationships Australia.