What are you wearing that for?

Don’t stay on the highway, take the left turn up here – it’s faster!

You don’t want the Pad Thai. I’ll order you a curry.

Do these sentences remind you of anyone in your life? Yep – we all know a control freak. The back-seat drivers, the overbearing parents, the know-it-all co-workers. These people can be kind-hearted, possess a huge work ethic and have the best intentions at heart. But when their controlling behaviours take hold, they can also be unbearable.

Below are our tips for coping with a control freak.

What is a control freak?

Put simply, a control freak is somebody who needs to dominate a situation; who seeks to have ultimate power over a task, dictates the behaviour of others and refuses to compromise.

Where do controlling behaviours come from?

Although the control freak can appear strong-willed and self-assured, their controlling behaviours often stem from anxieties about their own vulnerabilities. Subconsciously the control freak feels that if they surrender control of a situation, they are left open to failure. This results in a lack of trust in other people, and can lead them to over-plan, cling to structure and reject spontaneity.

Control freaks may not necessarily be loud and assertive, but instead use passive-aggression to manipulate those around them. Guilt-trips, insincere emotion and unfair bargaining are all behaviours that control freaks use to retain power over others.

The fear of failure that control freaks usually harbour also means that they can be exceedingly stubborn. They insist their opinion on other people, and will not concede that they are incorrect even when faced with blatant facts proving otherwise. In these situations, the controller’s need to save face is paramount.

How can I reclaim agency in our relationship?

The control freak’s need to dominate can make them difficult to work with, laugh with or even speak to. They can totally override your opinions and rob you of your autonomy – you may as well be talking to a brick wall at times! Thankfully, there are a few ways to make your relationship with a control freak as functional as possible.

Communicate with the controller

While controlling behaviours are easy to spot in another person, control freaks themselves often don’t notice that they are being controlling – or the extent to which they are impacting others. An honest but informal conversation about their habits and how they impact you personally is the best way to raise the controller’s awareness of their behaviour in a respectful way.

However, trying to point out flaws to someone who is usually defensive when it comes to feedback can be a trying task. This means that it is important to hold your ground, despite the temptation to compromise your feelings or give up on the conversation altogether if they don’t take the chat well. Creating change in a controlling person takes persistence.

Negotiate behaviour change

During your conversation, try to negotiate behaviour change in a few key areas. Let the controller know that it makes you feel inadequate when they speak over you or answer questions for you, and point it out the next time it happens. This will create some concrete goal posts for them to work towards and make change that bit simpler to manage.

Don’t expect change overnight

Even after the controlling person has acknowledged your concerns and agreed to rectify their bad habits, change can still take time. Their controlling actions have been reinforced across years – unlearning these coping mechanisms is no small task. They are likely to slip up now and then, and you will need to remain true to your conviction by reasserting the boundaries. Nonetheless, it is important to remain patient with the controller and acknowledge their efforts along the way.

Cut down contact

Negotiating change with a control freak doesn’t always go to plan. They may be unwilling to take feedback or express little concern for your feelings in relation to their own. As their controlling behaviours continue, you may feel that you are losing your identity and your dignity – ultimately there comes a time when it’s not worth it anymore.

If you feel like you are giving everything but receiving nothing in return, moving on may be the only way to break the shackles that the control freak currently has on your life. In some work or family situations this may mean dealing with the controller minimally. In other instances it will mean cutting ties altogether.

Although ceasing communication with someone close to you is hard, regaining control of your life will ultimately be worth it.