Frustration, Women, Hair, Washing Machine, Angry, Mad

The Difficult Family Member

Photo Credit: Alex Bellink
 

We have already addressed how to cope when a loved one is the cause of a life changing event in a previous post.

However, there can also be people in your family who are just plain difficult. Maybe you are related to somebody who is a chronic liar, who is manipulative, who never has a nice thing to say.

The negativity of a difficult family member is toxic.

They may make you feel unloved and under-appreciated, and can easily disrupt your self-concept and sense of well-being. They almost certainly bring out the worst in you.

However, disconnecting completely from these people is sometimes out of the question – at least as an initial step. Like it or lump it, you have an emotional attachment to your family members that can make severing ties a deeply traumatic experience.

How can you make contact with your difficult family member as painless as possible?

The below tips might help.

Don’t fight fire with fire

When somebody is acting in an immature, selfish way, all we want to do it stoop to their level; to throw a tantrum and kick and scream until they snap out of it.

But getting into a yelling match with a selfish family member is often as futile as trying to put out a fire with petrol – all you will do is fuel the flames.

People who are unconcerned by others’ feelings won’t listen to you if you become angry or frustrated; instead they will turn the situation back on themselves. They will make you feel like the bad guy – and do their darndest to make others believe it too.

If a difficult family member is being stubborn again, the best way to cope is to completely disconnect from the situation. Shut down any attempt on their behalf to trap you in a verbal fight by giving short, neutral answers: “That’s an interesting thought” or “You could be onto something”.

If they escalate their behaviour to try to spark a reaction, remove yourself from the situation completely – walk to another room or find an excuse to put down the phone. Eventually they will (hopefully) get the message that you won’t take the bait anymore.

Talk about the problem

In the event that a difficult family member wishes to rectify their bad behaviour, initiate a conversation addressing how their behaviour affects you.

We know what you are thinking – easier said than done when somebody is sensitive and quick to jump on the defensive!

We hear you – and yes, you will need to be strategic about how you approach the situation. The classic compliment sandwich can come in handy here:

  • Start with a positive statement about how much you value having your family member in your life.
  • Use this to lead into how their behaviour affects you on an emotional level. While doing so, avoid directly stating that they exhibit selfish, immature behaviour – although this is the truth of the matter, it is also the quickest way to get them offside!
  • End with a re-affirmation of how important they are to you, and how much you want to make the relationship work.

Despite your best efforts, these discussions can quickly deteriorate – a selfish person is often unable to take responsibility for their actions or to accept that they are the one who needs to change. You may find introducing a mediator like a counsellor or neutral family member into the discussion will allow the conversation to run more smoothly – provided you can get your family member to agree to it!

Learn to manage your contact

If your difficult family member refuses to change, keeping them in your life is all about management. Limiting your interactions, only meeting up in a public place or even ensuring that you are with another family member whenever you see them is a good way to start.

A manipulative person will often say that you have done or said something that you didn’t; removing the opportunity for them to do so by keeping other people present may make your time together less stressful and that bit more bearable.

In the same vein, pick your battles when it comes to phone calls – it might be better to stick to text messaging and email when you are away from that person. That way, you get time to review any responses you give before hitting send, and have a record of your chat just in case they attempt to twist your words down the track.

There may be a backlash from some family members about this management – you may even find people taking sides in the equation. But at the end of the day, you need to ensure your own happiness. Sometimes there is no way to reason with irrational people: do what you need to do to look after yourself.

Coping with detachment

While you love your family member and have tried your best to make your relationship work, there may come a time when the best course of action for you is to call it quits. Even so, letting go of your relationship with a difficult family member can take an emotional toll in itself.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel upset or angry. You are entitled to grieve the loss of the relationship – or for one that never quite was.

Rather than sweeping your emotions under the rug, accept them; allow them to run their course. Speak to a friend, empty a bucket of ice cream and have a good cry.

Most importantly, acknowledge your pain, but resolve to live a joyful, fulfilling life in spite of it. 

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