Holding Hands, Family, Love

How to Cope When a Loved One is Ill

Photo Credit: Erik Söderström

 

When a loved one is ill, their whole world can be transformed. 

And so can yours.  

Staying strong when a loved one is ill while coping with your own reaction is an emotional juggling act.

You will ask questions like “Why them?”. You will be reminded of your own mortality. You will wish you could trade places.

This article addresses how to cope when a loved one is ill.

Anticipatory grief

When a loved one is ill, it is common to experience anticipatory grief. That is, grieving something before it occurs. You may feel sorrow for a friend’s future loss of independence, or for their predicted loss of life.

While the process of grieving is unique for everyone, there are 5 stages that people generally experience.

Denial: The refusal to believe or accept the illness. Denial can best be understood as a defence mechanism, acting as a buffer to ease the immediate shock of a situation and allowing us time to process the pain.

Anger: As reality sinks in, we are likely to feel intense pain and emotion. In order to distract from this pain, we often redirect our sadness as anger, which we take out on external forces or people. While we may know in our rational head space that these people or forces are not to blame, venting frustration allows us to avoid feeling pain ourselves.

Bargaining: We often feel vulnerable and powerless when another is ill. As such, we are determined to regain control. This may lead us to questions of “what if I had done this”, or to bargain that “doing this will make up for that”. We may even make a deal with a higher power, saying that “if you fix this, I will be a better person”. This bargaining process aims at reasserting control.

Depression: The depression phase occurs when we finally allow the feelings that we have been avoiding through bargaining, denial and anger to access our emotional core. Depression may manifest in the form of blame, feelings of failure, exhaustion or severe melancholy. While depression is the most painful part of grieving, it is important to feel the emotions as they rush over us – refusing to do so will only prolong the pain.

Acceptance: This phase doesn’t translate to absolute happiness – during acceptance, we still have moments of melancholy and sadness. Instead, the acceptance phase is marked by perspective and calm.

(These steps also appear in our article on Coping with Grief alongside information on the effects and aftermath of the grieving process.)

If you are feeling overwhelmed by grief when a loved one is ill, it is important to seek help.

You are not being selfish by asking for help to cope with another’s diagnosis.

We all deal with bad news differently, and it is better to talk it out rather than to bottle it up.

Speak to a trusted friend or family member or seek professional advice – you, and your loved one, will ultimately be better for it.

Understanding your loved one

Your loved one is undoubtedly going through their own whirlwind of grief and emotion while trying to comprehend a serious diagnosis.

There is no set formula for dealing with their responses. However, there are three common ways that people cope with news of their own illness:

Fear and Anger: Facing serious illness poses many “worst case scenarios” – reduced quality of life, leaving loved ones behind, becoming a burden. Sufferers of illness can also dread the pain and effort that their illness poses. This can generate a great amount of fear and leave sufferers angry and craving empathy.

Denial: Faced with a bad prognosis, some people simply refuse the hand they have been dealt and don’t think realistically about their position.

Honesty: Being strong for others when you have an illness is exhausting, as is avoiding the topic of illness in every conversation. Some people want to talk frankly about their prognosis and will approach their illness with a level head and a burning desire to talk it out.

While we can’t predict how another’s reaction, we can take positive steps when a loved one is ill.

Staying positive when a loved one is ill

No matter how bleak the outlook may appear, it is important to stay positive when a loved one is ill.

While you are unable to change your loved one’s prognosis, you can inject goodness into their life. Approaching everyday with a good attitude, keeping an open mind and helping your loved one to stay active are just a couple of ways that positivity can be useful. Treat every day as a new possibility rather than an inevitability.

Being proactive

Take active steps toward understanding your loved one’s illness – how it progresses, how it is treated, how the treatment works and any side effects that your loved one may endure.

Doing your research when a loved one is ill can help you to give comfort to your loved one when they are at their lowest.

The line between hope and denial

While being positive is a necessity, creating false hope is unhealthy.

When a loved one is ill, be realistic about their prognosis. Refusing to accept an illness will leave you emotionally vulnerable and may also create frustration in others.

Be realistic by taking care of the practical side of things when a loved one’s prognosis is not good. Ensure that they have a will that is current, have discussed organ donation and have clarified any advanced care directives regarding what course doctors should follow if the worst was to happen.

Although these can be difficult conversations to have, preparation can save a lot of anguish when trying to resolve delicate issues down the track.

Keep a positive attitude when a loved one is ill, but don’t let this blind you to the facts.

The Clarity Road Team

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