Being hurt by a twist of fate is hard, but being hurt by the deliberate actions of a loved one is often harder. Not only do you have to rebuild your life and sense of self, but also attempt to reconcile your impression of the person who you knew – or thought you knew – with the actions they performed. In this blog post, we address how to come to terms with a life changing event caused by someone close to you.
How to cope when a loved one causes you pain
When a loved one is the cause of a life changing event, the feelings of betrayal and loss you experience can be utterly unbearable. Trying to comprehend how they could do this to you, and to those around you, will eat you up inside. Often, there will be no way to explain their actions – at least, not in your mind. You will probably feel hopelessness. You will definitely feel anger. But whatever you are feeling, let it out.
Speaking to the person who hurt you is, for many, a vital step in bouncing back. Ask the questions that you need to ask. Say the things that you need to say. You may not get the answers that you desired, or any at all. But what you will derive is the knowledge that you have done all that you can to try to understand. Regardless of whether or not you want to forgive the person, speaking to them can lift a massive weight off your chest, and make it easier for you to get back to your own life.
Of course, this confrontation is not appropriate to all circumstances or all individuals. But remember that without talking about what you are going through, it can become easier to blame yourself. Questions like “How didn’t I see this coming?” or “Why didn’t I show better judgement?” can leave you feeling like you were the cause of events, instead of the person truly responsible.
If you are unable to speak to the person who has changed your life, or do not wish to, be sure to externalise your thoughts and feelings elsewhere. Speak to a trusted family member, friend or counsellor about your situation. Get reassurance, and remind yourself of everything that is good in your life. We are all loved – in life changing situations, we sometimes need reminding.
Is “sorry” good enough?
If someone you love has betrayed your trust, it can be difficult to know whether or not to allow them back into your life again. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, but there are some crucial factors to weigh up. To decide whether or not you can forgive, you first need to think about whether what they have done can be forgiven.
Has this person caused you pain previously? Have they promised not to hurt you again? Have they shown remorse? Do you believe their apology?
You need to know that the person who did wrong by you truly regrets – and is sorry – for their actions. But you also need to know that they are worthy of your love again.
Consider your past with this person, and compare it to the amount of pain that you feel presently. Has your relationship been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, or has it otherwise been a smooth road? Have you known the person for years, or did they recently enter your life? Is this a relationship worth working to save?
Balancing out these factors can be difficult, and will likely take you some time. Don’t rush your decision. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured. Don’t feel guilty about keeping your distance from that person for a while. You have the right to be upset, and the right to your space.
Most importantly, if you decide that the damage they caused cannot be undone, walk away. Keeping a person in your life who you do not trust, and perhaps resent, will only cause further heartache in the long run.
With or without that person in your life, you will keep smiling, keep loving, and keep living.
The Clarity Road Team
