Photo credit: Gog de Bog
After separation or divorce, you may find that communicating with children becomes complicated.
Parenting has moved from a double-team effort to a one-on-one exercise.
While daunting, you can make parenting one-on-one a change for the better by treating it as an opportunity for you to get closer to your kids.
Getting to know your children
Take time to understand their interests or hobbies
If you aren’t sure what your kids are into, or just need a refresher, ask some questions! What are the names of their friends? What new movies are they interested in seeing? What is their favourite subject at school? You could even get permission from your child to borrow their iPod for a day and see what tracks are in their Top 25 Most Played list, or what songs they have added recently. Communicating with children about their favourite artists will give you a talking point in the future about which songs you do or don’t enjoy.
Know what is going on in their lives
Even though you may not have your kids all the time, it is important to keep track of what is happening in their lives. Record any birthday parties, school exams, sporting matches or appointments on your calendar. Not only will this keep your mind at ease, but also act as a conversation starter when you see or speak to you kids next. Asking about Cody’s birthday party will give them something to tell you about and show them that you care.
Offer to help with homework or assignments
Helping your kids out with a project is a great way to foster a bond between you. It will also give you an understanding for how your child operates when applying themselves to a task. Do they doubt themselves? Do they cut corners? Maybe your child is a super-genius! Whatever the case, you will be able to use the signs you pick up on to assist your child in the future.
Not sure where to start? The Raising Children Network dedicate a whole section of their site to how to help kids with homework.
Communicating with children when you are apart
Maintaining a close relationship with your children when you are apart can be difficult. While nothing can replace being with your kids physically, there are many ways of keeping in touch.
- Phone Calls: Talking on the phone is often the most convenient way to speak to your kids and is great for a quick hello or a two-hour marathon conversation.
- Text Messages – Sending a quick SMS is a nice way to say a quick hello to your child and let them know that they are on your mind.
- Skype: Being able to see your child’s gestures while they are telling stories and allowing them to see yours makes Skype a great way to communicate.
- Social Networking Sites: Sites like Facebook allow you to speak to your child through instant messaging and also see any photos or posts they put up about themselves. A word of warning: not every child wants their parents to access their social networking profile, since these pages are mostly used for (you guessed it) social interactions. Respect your child’s wishes if they don’t want to add you as a friend – there are other ways to communicate!
- Mail: Everyone loves receiving a letter in the mail (provided it isn’t a bill)! If you send your kids something by post, try to handwrite it or add a personalised touch – this will convey just how much you care.
- Email: Emailing is a great way of communicating with children when your conflicting schedules or differing time zones make it difficult to call or Skype. You may find that your child is also more comfortable speaking about touchy subjects via email, since it allows them time to review and edit their thoughts before sending them through to you.
Guidelines for distance communication with children
Keep consistent
Make a regular time to call, Skype or instant message your child when it suits you both. This will put your child into a routine and will get your kids excited about speaking to you next. Schedule your chats at a time of day when neither you, nor your child, have other responsibilities. You don’t want to be worried about your child missing the bus or being late for work while you are talking!
Don’t be afraid of silence
It is natural to want your conversations with your child to be as fruitful as possible, but be careful not to go too far trying to fill any pauses. The aim of the game is quality conversation – not quantity. If you speak too much about trivialities instead of allowing a pause, you may not be giving your child the opportunity to speak about anything that is on their mind.
Don’t bring up their other parent
The time that you have arranged to speak with your child should be reserved for the two of you. It is your opportunity to get to know them and to let them know that you love them. Asking about the other parent may give your child the impression that you are more interested your ex’s life than your child’s, and will waste precious time that you have to connect one-on-one.
Whether you are communicating with children over the phone, on the internet or face-to-face, tell them that you love them. This is the main message that your child needs to hear.
