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Should you use shared or parallel parenting after divorce?
It all comes down to your relationship with your ex after separation.
Shared parenting
According to The Family and Relationship Services Australia, shared parenting means that:
- Children ‘belong’ with each parent and spend significant time in each home.
- Children have fun time and ordinary time with each parent.
- Children are part of two extended families – grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc.
- Each parent nurtures, listens and talks with the children.
- Parents share big decisions that affect children.
- Each parent is involved in children’s activities such as school, sport and social life.
- Each parent is aware of and cares about their child’s physical, emotional and intellectual wellbeing.
Shared parenting is very much a team effort. Although you and the other parent live apart, you uphold the same values and routines in each household. This makes parenting apart as cohesive as possible for your kids.
For more information on shared parenting download this information pamphlet from The Family and Relationship Services Australia.
Parallel parenting
While shared parenting means that you and your ex frequently discuss the children and work together as a unit, another legitimate choice is parallel parenting. Unlike shared parenting, parallel parenting requires minimal contact between you and your ex to avoid any conflict.
Irreconcilable differences are cited as the reason for divorce in Australia. These differences often extend to major parenting decisions regarding religion, routine, education or values. Parallel parenting is all about accepting your ex-partner’s right to parent the way that he/she wants to, and them respecting yours. While you will need to compromise on key issues, for example where your children should go to school, any decisions made in the house of one parent are not the business of the other parent.
How will parallel parenting impact my children?
One problem with parallel parenting is that parents may have an incomplete picture of their children’s lives due to the lack of communication between you and your ex. This may mean missing significant moments in your child’s growth, like their first words or first day of high school. It may also create issues surrounding any last minute changes to your child’s schedule that only one parent is made aware of, like after school training changes or school events.
There are many arguments that parallel parenting may be detrimental to children. Indeed, travelling between two different households with two different sets of rules may initially confuse your kids. However, kids are also very resilient, and will adjust quickly. Parallel parenting with low contact between conflicting parents is preferable to shared parenting between hostile parents who cannot agree.
