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Hi Julie,
I separated from my husband a week ago and am having a hard time figuring everything out. I know that I should be collecting paperwork and securing the future for my kids…but I really don’t know where to start. Every time I try to research or plan or concentrate on anything, my mind just wanders and I end up wasting my time. What steps do I need to take? Thank you, thank you. – Kathryn
Hi Kathryn,
Yep, I know the haze that comes after separation. You feel like you are a spectator in your own life, watching everything through a screen, with no control over what is unfolding.
Kathryn, you have the right idea when it comes to asking for a list of steps to take. A visual plan helps you to clear the swirling thoughts in your head, set your priorities and eliminate tasks one by one. In my experience, there are three key areas after separation that need your attention: kids, legal and financial.
Here are the crucial first steps to take for each.
Kids
Parenting arrangements
Across your divorce mediation process you will come to a decision on custody. Immediately after separation, you will need to make temporary arrangements with your ex partner.
If you have split amicably and are able to agree on parenting arrangements, fantastic.
But no matter how comfortable everything feels, be sure to record your agreement in writing. This will protect you and your children if things start to become complicated. It will also give you concrete grounds to request primary custody in the event that your ex is unreliable as a co-parent after separation. A shared parenting template is available for download here.
If you feel that your ex is a threat to the safety of yourself and your children, more formal protection processes are in order. Get in contact with a lawyer or speak to the police immediately. They will help you to find safety and take out an appropriate order of protection if it is required.
Whatever your circumstances, it is good practise to record every details of communication you have with your ex after separation. Write down the date and time of handovers, phone calls and any other contact. All of this information will prove crucial when the negotiation period roles around.
Other considerations
It’s a good idea to notify your child’s school of any changes to their address or emergency contact information after separation.
You may also wish to speak to their teachers and coaches about the changes at home, and ask them to keep an eye out for any changes in behaviour. While your kids may appear to be coping well around you, the stress of separation may cause them to shut down or exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour when they are with their peers.
Money and assets
Lock down your money
As soon as possible, you need to make sure (a) that you have access to an income and (b) that your ex-partner cannot tap into your money, nor run up debts in your name.
Freeze all shared credit cards, savings and chequing accounts that allow your ex to access your personal or shared money.
In itself, this process can be scary if your partner was the person who handled your accounts. You might be embarrassed to go to a bank and ask for help. Trust me when I say that I know this feeling all too well. But a bit of a red face now may save you years of financial hardship in the long run.
Start keeping track
Once your financial position is secured, it is time to start thinking toward your settlement. Keep track of your weekly expenses after separation – you will need this information to create an approximation of your desired financial outcome for divorce.
In addition, start to prepare a financial history for you and your ex which includes home loan details, education costs, income information, shared savings, superannuation, assets and any inheritance you and/or your partner received whilst married.
No detail is too small: everything needs to be considered as part of your settlement. Use our divorce expenses planner to get started today.
Legal
Gather your documentation
Every legal aspect of life after separation requires some form of supporting documentation. Make sure you start to gather and make copies of the following files ASAP:
- Birth certificates
- Marriage certificate
- Driver’s license
- Passport
- Vehicle registration papers
- Medicare card
- Insurance details
- School records
- Cash, cheque books and credit cards
- Bank statements
- Tax File Number
- Medical records
- Medical scripts
- Mortgage payment records
- Rental agreement
Assets list
In divorce, your priority will be securing the future for your children. But make sure that you don’t sell yourself short financially as a result.
Before mediation, prepare a full list of assets held by yourself and/or your ex-partner across your relationship. Do this in detail – if you have access to the house, go through your property room by room. This will help you to (a) negotiate a fair settlement and (b) know if your ex has sold or is hiding something from you.
Although it may feel mean or spiteful to be preparing for the worst case scenario, it is better than trusting and regretting in the future.
Know that the confusion and overwhelm that you are feeling right now are natural, but also impermanent.
Life after separation does get better.
Eventually you will reach your point of clarity – I’m here to help you make it happen.
With every good wish,
Julie
