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Hello Julie and CR,
I was wondering if you have any advice for making friends as an adult…as a mum. I feel like I don’t have any friends…I get along with other parents from school and from my daughter’s netball team. But at the end of the day, I know I won’t stay in touch with these people after my daughter changes classes or moves up an age division next year. I’m sick of fleeting friendships…I had a best friend before kids and marriage, years ago, but distance between us and our own families have made us grow apart…I feel like a big loner with a capital L! – Kerry
Hi Kerry,
Thanks for your question. It’s one that’s on the mind of others in our Circle of Friends, I’m sure!
You echoed a lot of women’s experiences when you mentioned that distance and family have made maintaining your friendships difficult. As adults we seem to become increasingly time-poor. We are invested in being a good parent or a reliable employee or an understanding boss…our social life tends to fall toward the bottom of the list of priorities.
The first thing you need to do is acknowledge your own social life as essential for your all-round sense of well-being and balance. Allow yourself the time to actually put into building new friendships.
That said, here are a few ways that you can start to build up stronger relationships in your life.
1) There are a lot of women in a similar position to you. Step out of your comfort zone and find them.
I’ll reiterate – you aren’t alone in feeling disconnected from a social life. I know that what I’m about to say is a bit “captain obvious”, but it really works. One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to join a club, social group, organisation or connect with a community online.
Even if you have reservations about putting yourself out there, it’s time to swallow your pride and roll the dice anyway. Go to that concert, sign up for that craft group or join that sports team. You will meet like-minded people and gain new skills while you’re at it.
And if you make a complete fool of yourself, don’t worry – they’re strangers who you never have to see again anyway! Nothing changes if nothing changes – it’s time to pursue your friendships by doing what’s different.
2) Work on potential friendships in your proximity.
Sometimes a fulfilling friendship is staring you in the face, if only you’d allow yourself to see it. I have no doubt that there is someone in your life who you would love to get to know better. Maybe it’s an older neighbour, a younger co-worker or another school mum who is a bit “out there”.
You have never seriously envisioned befriending them before because they seem to be from a different world…but that doesn’t mean that a strong friendship is off the table. Heck, if someone is up for a chat and a cuppa, they are friend material in my book! Schedule a coffee and cake date the next time you see them – you have nothing to lose.
3) Revisit past friendships.
I’m reading a heavy sense of regret for the loss of your past best friendship in your message. What is stopping you from reaching out and rekindling that bond? Yes, years of fleeting contact can make a phone call feel like an unfathomable task. How can you explain away the relative silence between you, or catch up on everything that has happened?
Remember that friendship is a two way street. You may feel guilty for being out of touch, but your friend probably feels the same way. They are unlikely to feel bitter or angry…and they likely miss you just as much as you miss them.
Sure, your first call may contain a few awkward pauses. Sooner or later, however, you will find that the walls of time melt away and you are chatting again as you once did.
Are there any other Circle of Friends members with some advice for Kerry?
With every good wish,
Julie
