Photo credit: Ross G. Williams
Hi Julie and Team,
How else to put it…I am feeling stuck. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have twin boys who are now driving and will be moving out next year. And I’m scared. My whole life has revolved around them for so long…I’m already feeling a bit lost, and I sense that my husband is thinking the same thing. Life is starting to look a bit empty, and I can’t seem to figure out how to fill the hole. Help! – Helena
Hi Helena,
I’m on the brink of this life moment myself. My eldest is at uni and my son is growing into a young man before my eyes…it’s scary to think he’ll be hitting the roads soon!
After years of noise, plans, schedules, hustle and bustle, the transformation of your role as a parent when children become adults can be hard to accept. The house suddenly falls quiet. You don’t know where they are 24/7. Your kids develop an identity and a life of their own. This isn’t a bad thing – goodness knows you need a bit of a rest, and your kids need to make their own way. But it is still scary to imagine life without them as the centre.
In my view, there are three main areas that need attention after your kids move out.
1) Finding purpose and excitement
You’ve already flagged in your question that a large portion of your sense of purpose has been built around your children. You may still have had a thriving career and fulfilling community involvement across the years…but like all parents, being a mother is a significant form of your identity as well.
What could possibly give you the same level of excitement or passion as raising your kids? Well, that’s up to you.
Now is the time to re-evaluate your goals and find something that sparks your passion and inspiration again. Your message tells me that you don’t have an immediate idea of what this could be…so get experimenting! Be proactive about finding a new goal. Volunteer, join a book club, take photography classes or start planning that trip of a lifetime.
Everyone’s new passion and purpose will be different – but you can’t wait around for it to dawn on you one day. Get out there and make it happen.
2) Reinventing your relationship
Being a parent is constant. You are always busy, and after 20 years you have undoubtedly learned to relate to your partner through the kids. Once the nest is empty, it can take some adjustment to grow accustomed to spending extended time together uninterrupted.
It can almost feel like you need to get to know each other again….And that’s exactly what I recommend! Schedule a date night, go on a weekend trip away, be spontaneous and remind yourself of your love for each other. At the very least, open up a dialogue and be open about your feelings. Perhaps you will find a new passionate purpose to pursue together.
3) Recreating a social life
We often don’t realise how much our social life as adults relies on our kids. It’s a relief not to be the taxi service to and from soccer three nights a week…but it also means that you miss out on your hour-long chats with the other mums. All of a sudden you can fall out of touch with people you have known for years and feel socially isolated.
Don’t trick yourself into believing that you have few friends…it will just take a bit more conscious effort to schedule a catch-up than it once did.
Heck, you already have our Circle of Friends on your side!
With every good wish,
Julie
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